There is a particular cycle each year- I tell myself that the past year was the worst year of my life. But then I think to myself “Wait, wasn’t every year the worst year of my life?” This is because each year WAS the worst year of my life up until that point. As far as I can remember, every single year of my life was awful in it’s own way. I can only ever remember the most previous year because that is the pain I am still overcoming. I want to look at a year and tell myself that it has been a good and healthy year but I have not yet gotten to that point.

In a previous blog, I shared that I had tried to end my life when I was seventeen (2018). This is the same time that I had finally began to accept the detrimental aftermath of neglect I experienced as a child. I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve completely worked through all of that shame and hurt but I can recognize that my parents were my biggest bullies.

Furthermore, both of my parents blamed me for each hardship in our home. They blamed me for defending myself. They blamed me for being myself. I was punished for being myself. My own father ignored me for days because of the abuse my mother put on us and his refusal to accept it. My father made me feel validated over the idea that I was worthless, just as my mother did. All I had ever wanted was to be able to go to my parents and hug them without feeling uncomfortable. I wanted to go to them for comfort and love.

In the following year of turning 18, I had become extremely uncomfortable in my own body and personality. In April of 2019, I began to learn that it is possible to love yourself. I was so unfamiliar with this idea that I experienced emotional flashbacks that were -and still are- utterly unbearable. I felt as though I would never get through them. Before these realizations, I was a huge fan of taking photos of myself and modeling per say, but at one point that changed and the idea of putting myself in front of a camera was terrifying.

This post is not meant to bash or accuse. This is from a victims perspective. This is neglect and based off of emotional/domestic/physical/sexual abuse. I never had parents. I have parented myself and it is a better job than my biological parents could’ve ever done. I have no extended family that believes me but that’s okay. I have myself and I have those that do believe me. I never deserved to be neglected or abused.

This realization is a result of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.