While growing up with five other siblings and each their own mental battles, my home was never seen as a peaceful place, at least from the eyes of witnesses. As my siblings and I are incredibly close, this was truly the only motivation in which we all took hold of to ignore the chaos in our own home. We found comfort in each other as each day was a different conflict between my parents or my parents and my siblings. There was never an outlet in our home, in which we could confide our thoughts (other than each other) without being belittled or manipulated
When I was around the age of about three, my family moved from Crofton, Maryland to Jacobus, Pennsylvania. In this house, is where some of the most traumatic events of my life occurred. The negative energy that consumed my family was spread throughout the house and my siblings and I have all agreed about the idea, in which we would feel a sensation, such as a weight on our chest when entering our own home. This negative energy was, for the most part, brought upon by my own mother.
From the time I was in kindergarten to about fifth grade, I was either being homeschooled or I was placed in a private Seventh Day Adventist school because, at the time, my mom was extremely invested towards becoming the ‘model Christian.’ However, this was simply a phase in her parenting methods towards raising her own kids. As I was growing up, the dynamics relating to discipline and guidelines in our home were constantly changing due to the fact that my mother was consistently changing her mindset. Due to the constant changes in my childhood, it became extremely controversial in my own upcoming as I did not know how to socialize ‘normally’ because my mom was so devoted to herself that she neglected to consider her childrens pursuits, self-esteem, and future endeavors.
When I was finally placed in public school in sixth grade, I began to see my mother in a new light. In this, I mean that I began to understand more clearly my mothers intentions but as to why she was doing them, was a question I would neglect to discover until my high school years. It was during the time I was placed in public school that I drifted further from my mother as I was able to see more clearly, from comparing my parents with my friends’ parents, that I was not being treated in the way a child should be. It became glaringly, evident that most of my mothers intentions were strictly for herself and if we were to interfere with this idea or even so much as show self-pity, we were belittled.
I can say, honestly, that my mother was the one to have made me question my own self-worth. This woman, who is supposed to care and love for me regardless, did not know the first step and in a sense, she was moving backwards. She constantly belittled me and blamed myself and my siblings for anything regarding her negative feelings. There was never a thought that maybe, she WAS to blame for this emotional torture. I found myself constantly arguing with myself and consumed in anxiety over the idea that I thought there was something wrong with me. I had so many issues with my self-esteem, my mental space, and my ability to stay civil with my own mother.
My childhood seems more and more devastating as I go back through my memories, and recall many of the times in which I was emotionally abused. My mother would strive to see me fall apart and it is overwhelming, to say that she was a huge factor in my anxiety/panic attacks. Anything, in regards to my personal well being, were simply pushed aside unless I urged my parents to go further with them as I was physically and mentally distraught. These memories from my past are what has built me into the person I am today and as much as I would like to explain this ordeal in a simple page, it will take many entries on this page in order for my audience to get a full perspective on exactly the kind of emotional abuse I was exposed to as a child/teenager.
A huge reason I created this blog, was so that I could share my childhood experience from my full perspective, as I cannot easily explain it through one conversation. My childhood/family background is one of the most interesting topics for me to talk about it because it truly is, insane. I am not looking for any kind of attention as this is simply an outlet for my thoughts and a chance to explain myself without outside influences disrupting me. THIS is how I became who I am.